Today's decision to order a "veggie lover's" pizza from Pizza Hut may have been the single most awesome decision I've made all week! It has a great balance of cheese to veggie's and I swear they bake the crust in butter. Greasy but with flavor. Yummy! Right now I'm loving this choice. I will continue to believe that this was a great decision right up until I pop the lid open on the Tums bottle... then I will -once again- remind myself why pizza is just not worth the indigestion.
Well, maybe it is. Let's evaluate.
-it is delicious
-it is convenient
-it will last for a couple of meals
-enjoying it has momentarily reminded me that there is love in the world
Okay, the last one is a bit extreme but honestly, I actually have small feelings of... hmm, what is that feeling?... happiness? Not quite to the happiness level but I can confidently say I'm feeling content.
Yes, feelings of contentment. That is a new feeling lately.
Breaking down the breakdown.
The 'situation' in Aurora, CO. realllllllly messed with my head! By situation, I mean shooting and by messed with my head, I mean; completely fucked me up!
After the initial reports I was numb. I went to the store (not a great idea). I bought every form of comfort food I've ever used for comfort. Oddly enough, pudding. Haven't eaten that in years but there were several in the cart and within a couple of days- all gone.
Typically my go-to comfort snacks are cookies. There are very few cookies that don't appeal to me. This particular day was met with those little circus animal cookies that have the pink and white frosting and all those sprinkles... and of course there were chocolate chip cookies as well. Both types of cookies tasted very good dipped in pudding. Tortilla chips also made their way home with me. Crunchy, salty and can be eaten with or without salsa. It was probably the worst shopping day I've had in years in terms of purchase choices.
I don't really know if I even realized that I was eating for a couple of days. After this indulgence passed, nothing sounded good. I had no appetite and eating wasn't on my list of things to do. I would eat when reminded or 'told' to. That has gone on until now-- thus, the pizza. I finally 'wanted' to eat, really craved something. Now granted, it's not good for me but it has veggies and it's not pudding.
When the junk food coma lifted and that's when the tears started to fall.
My heart was broken for all those families. The lives cut short.. The injured survivors. Those that came out physically intact but whose emotional health will be tested day in and day out probably for the rest of their lives.
My heart broke at the loss of innocence for future movie-goers. It's not likely that people will enter a theater without the thought crossing their mind of this situation.
This is where I got stuck.
Prior to this situation, most people took that innocence for granted. There was a time in my life where I did as well but after some tragic events and certainly after the robbery; there has always been a premeditated plan of action when moving about in public.
I am aware of exits, people, body language, conversations; I'm constantly processing my surroundings. I foresee actions that will require survival or escape. I have endless mind chatter with myself about the unlikeliness of that thought becoming reality but regardless, I think of all possible ways to avoid harm. Some would most likely call it paranoia and they may be right but it's just how I deal with the stress and anxiety.
It's exhausting.
Once again, I feel like I am emotionally quarantined to my house.
I had finally gotten comfortable enough with leaving the house alone, in the dark, that I could see a movie... not now. (and yes, I'm aware that Breaking Dawn pt. 2 is just a couple months away). I'm holding out hope that I'll be in a better place by then.
I don't know what to do in order to live without constant fear.
Harder than awareness of fear, is the lack of awareness of depression.
It's so sneaky.
By the time I realize that my senses are dulled; my mind is already in a free-fall to darkness.
Have I stopped falling? I think so.
Can I see joy? Yes.
I think that's a good indication that it isn't as bad this time as it has been in the past.
Being aware of my fear, knowing where my comfort zone lies, pushing just a teensy bit past that line will allow the veil of depression to reveal a lighter shade of gray.
Each smile that my kids share, each meaningful hug or kiss, each risk taken, gives me glimpses of the vibrancy that is waiting to be free.
In the meantime... I'm enjoying this pizza :P
