Fast or Feast

 Depending on who you talk to it's a "juice fast" or a "juice feast"
For my mind's sake, I think I'll try to keep telling myself its a feast. Fasting reminds me of something my mother made me do with her as a kid. No fun!

Hello my friends! I'm back... Miss me? :P

So, my last post was quite awhile ago, eeks.
Quick refresher... I was obsessed with eggs and also mentioned how decision making is not my strong suit. Turns out that last part is directly affected by  my internal communication and I can talk myself into doing anything regardless of how stupid it might be :P
Take for instance eggs. I was well aware that eggs would be a slippery slope and open up my incessant internal chatter to constant bargaining. I'll allow eggs... hmm... cheese will be fine...

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Eggs and dairy... ummm, they led to cookies!! haha! I knew it would happen, I totally let it happen and yes, during the cookie eating season also known as Christmas, New Years, President's Day, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's... I gained back 10 pounds. booo!

I started doing a little juicing again this month and cut out a bunch of crap that has sneakily made its way back into my diet. With those small changes I was able to take off the "holiday" 10 but have come to a bit of a stalemate with weight loss and to be honest- motivation. I have a million reasons to be health conscious but it only takes a teensy little suggestion and cheese makes its way past my teeth even though I know I'm going to get that sluggish, heavy feeling. Why the heck do I do this to myself? Ugh, age old question.

Anyway, I've been considering the reboot thing again and am taking the plunge. It's just so much more difficult to juice with two munchkins but I'm doing it-- and when I say I'm doing it, I mean... reeeeeallllyyyyy doing it!
Juicing for as long as I can stand it. Looking at the statistics from my previous experience 3 days was hell but I managed to make it 5 - kicking and screaming the whole time. I'm going to challenge myself to beat 5 days and I will allow carrots and celery here and there when my teeth start driving me nuts because of the lack of gnawing.

To break it down, everything will be in juice form as long as I can hold out. We'll be heading to Washington at the end of May so my goal is to juice until the day we leave. I'll have to make other arrangements at that point because running my juicer while driving is just not safe :P
Between now and then there is Mother's Day and we'll be in Palm Springs so that should be interesting with my new juicing challenge. I might have to eat raw that weekend, we'll see.

Ok, I'm off to make a new playlist-- an anthem of sorts to help me get through the rough moments. I have a feeling it'll be an angsty mix!

Do Vegans Eat Eggs?...

I know, I know... of course they don't.

Have you ever just reeeeeeeeally wanted to eat eggs? Ok, maybe I'm alone in this desire but I can not express how much I want eggs.

I feel like I could go into a Forest Gump rant about eggs...

-hard-boiled eggs

-soft-boiled eggs

-deviled eggs

-fried eggs

-omelets- ohhhh... that sounds soooo good!

So, you get the idea right? I'm Jones'ing for eggs. Ridiculous!

Anyway, this whole egg situation has got me thinking. I mean, if I allow myself to eat eggs, than I might as well eat dairy... I do miss cheese... especially in an omelet :P

What's stopping me?

I have some insane sense of duty to stay on the straight and narrow path for you all. You were there for me when I bitched and whined during my juice fast and have continued to offer support and I feel like I would be letting you down. Just writing that down makes me sound even crazier than I feel. Good grief!

Since I can't realistically live for the approval of my adoring fans (thank goodness I never became a rock star, haha) I have to make a eggstravagant decision in the best interest of myself, my sanity and my family.

Do any of you know how much smoother my household would run if I ate dairy? I know that I am loved but oh boyyyy... my "special diet" can be pretty restricting and cause a little bitterness trying to prepare meals.

It really would open up a lot of opportunity to actually eat the same foods- to some degree. I refuse to even consider meat. Not only am I afraid that I would get sick but I really like not eating meat.

Here's my proposal... run an experiment with eggs and a small amount of dairy for a couple weeks- or less if it looks like it's causing more problems than it's solving. By then, maybe the obsession will be out of my system and I can just get back to being a vegan again. If after the holidays dairy is still present, I will be doing another juice fast and that would be a good time to return to a plant-based diet.

Since finishing the juicing program and introducing the whole grains, my weight has plateaued. No loss and I've actually been fighting to keep 2 pounds from reappearing. They come back, then I lose them, then they return. ugh.

Some of the problem may be that I'm feeling so restricted so the things that I can have are not being limited. Brown rice is good but not if I eat enough to fill a vat. Ok, not that extreme but you get the idea.

Oh, and I've discovered many vegan cookie recipe's and do I need to explain my cookie obsession? They just make me feel... umm... pretty ;)

I love them, they love me.

I had to make a rule for myself one year to limit cookie consumption... if I wanted them, I had to make them from scratch. That actually helped because no matter the desire, sometimes you just don't want to go through all that hassle.

So.... What have I decided?

hmmm.... decision making is not my strong suit but I think I'm going to introduce eggs and a little dairy into my diet. Nothing extreme. I can't/won't drink regular milk. blecht. I think I'm just going to be a little less extreme with my cooking and maybe the fact that I "can't" have something will remove the desire to actually want it. Do you know what I mean? Am I the only person in the world that thinks like this? Aaaagggghhhh... I feel so frickin crazy! 8-)

Well, I hope this experiment works and that I'm not disappointing too many people. I'll keep you up to date with how it goes.

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!!

My hope is that your holiday is fun and drama free :D

Glad you're not dead day

Today is the six year anniversary of the "big" robbery at work that I was injured in. I was violently beaten and left with a broken shoulder, jacked up knee, neck and back... not to mention the psychological aspects of such a crime.

So... I always try to predict how I'm going to feel about this day. I visualize gratitude, laughter, and strength. I don't remember how I handled previous years, it's like this is the first one... again.

Don't get me wrong... I am grateful-- more than can possibly be expressed. I am very blessed!

I have--

--a beautiful, kind, generous & supportive partner

--a daughter that has become such a wonderful human being that any mom would be super proud

--an amazing little boy and girl that bring me joy daily

--a home, income and all basic necessities

I have all that and so much more. I have more than many people. I am loved. I am grateful.

I'm also sad.

There's just no understanding the emotions I'm feeling right now. A blend of just about everything and that's pretty overwhelming.

I'm indecisive.

Part of me wants to celebrate life. Go out and do something fun to prove to myself that I'm alive for a reason and that I'm making the most of my survival.

Part of me wants to stay inside and wait for the day to end. It's like I'm afraid to push my luck because maybe the next situation will be the last.

Pretty irrational I know but it's how my mind is working.

When I visualized my reaction to how the day would go this year, I had not planned on crying while cleaning counters... cleaning counters- yes... crying while doing it- not so much.

Cleaning has always been a good outlet for me when stressed, kind of like a way to work myself away from depression.

That isn't working for me this time. It's like I just can't get up the gumption to push myself. Kinda lost the depression battle this hour. Hopefully I'll catch up and take the lead in the next couple of hours.

Sometimes I wish I could remember what I did the last time and if it was successful so I could either avoid it or repeat the process. Weird how my mind works and has this insane ability to just throw stuff in a folder, lock it in a cabinet and never be seen by the light of day again... or until it's absolutely the most inappropriate time to remember something.

Alright... that's enough whining for now. I mean seriously, I'm alive. I have a pretty awesome life. I'll go put on some One Republic, hop in the shower and let the music heal me a little bit. Maybe I'll shed some more tears for whatever reason they are there and just take the day minute by minute.

To my family... I love you! If I didn't have you all, your love and support, I can't say that this would be a day worth getting out of bed for. Thank you!!

(sorry to end a sentence with 'for'- I know that's against English rules. lol)

To my friends... a big thank you to you all. The small and large reminders that other's care about lil ole me softens my heart.

Naughty November

Hello my loyal followers... I'm alive and I'm still vegan :)

Sorry I have been absent from the blogging world. I haven't really felt like I've had much to say although that probably means I should have been saying something. Silence is isolating.

The family is doing well. We are all adjusting to having a newborn in the house and it's been such a blessing. Gosh, what is it that makes babies just so cute? Love, love, love!

Unfortunately, everyone (but me) has been sick with a cold for nearly 3 weeks. ugh. I'll chalk up my escape from illness to my extreme vegetable intake :P

So Halloween has come and gone and I made it through with 5 pieces of candy corn and a vegan pizza. lol. We had so much fun trick or treating and we have enough candy in the house that we could have people treating at our house for months to come. Good grief!

With success over Halloween, I'm trying to keep positive about Thanksgiving. I don't want to be naughty in November because that will make being good during Christmas a real bitch! lol. Problem is, I really do like turkey and have actually toyed with the idea that I could give myself a little reprieve and eat some turkey but after all absence of meat and dairy for nearly 2 months I'm a little afraid that I'll just get sick. Right now I am looking into Tofurkey... hmm... I'll keep you posted. lol

Historically November is soooo not my month.

With the exception of Thanksgiving, it seems as though the universe aligns in such a way that odd, random and typically awful things happen. There is no definitive pattern although one incident in particular has marked me for life physically and emotionally.

Yes... I'm talking about the robbery. Feel free to quit reading now if you wish-- you can pick up the rest of the reading closer to the bottom where I get back to my vegan journey ;)

On the 13th it will be six years since I was robbed at work. I know there's no timeline for being "all better" but I wish that some things weren't so daunting... like the dark. I mean heck, the robbery was in the morning. Why do I have to be afraid of November nights? Ugh.

Anyway, along with the random things to fear, I deal with the physical pain daily and unless by some miracle all my cells are replaced and rejuvenated (reading a paranormal book about that right now, lol) then the likeliness is that I will deal with the chronic pain indefinitely. Some days are better than others and stress tends to make the inflammation flare up so November's anxiety keeps me popping ibuprofen like candy and of course there's a little more consumption of the happy pills ;)

So... what exactly does all of this have to do with my vegan journey?

I'm having a hard time keeping strong with my food choices. There hasn't been any slipping as of yet and I don't imagine there will be. It's just a mental thing that plagues me when I'm feeling a little down.

I'm running an extended experiment to see if the food choices help alleviate the physical pain and more importantly, help keep the depression and anxiety on the low side of the spectrum so I absolutely need to stay strong.

I'm doing better this year than last but the jury is out as to what the reasoning might be. Maybe I'm just coping better this year due to more distraction (Logan and Madison) or... maybe the anniversary date isn't here yet so perhaps I should reserve judgement. Either way, I'm not balking at the fact that so far November isn't as horrible as some years have been and I'm keeping hope that it continues to improve.

Hope you all are doing well and have a Happy Thanksgiving if I don't get back to blogging before then but I will try my best to be more consistent :)

30 days later

Yesterday marked 30 days as a vegan :)

This has been an interesting and rewarding experiment. It started with the Reboot Program of juicing and veggies/fruit only for 15 days and the last 15 days has been incorporating grains, nuts and legumes. I have REALLY liked the last half of the month... food with more staying power!

With the last additions, weight loss has slowed from the extremes that happened the first 2 weeks but that was to be expected.

Total for the month is 18lbs :D

More importantly than the weight loss is my blood pressure. It is holding steady at 20 points down! I'm so happy about that! I really was very worried since heart issues run on both sides of my family and I'm happy to say that I'm on the road to a healthier existence. Hopefully too much damage hasn't already been done.

One thing I have discovered is that there are many options for vegan eating... healthy and unhealthy. ugh. I'm reading labels to avoid meat products, animal byproducts and dairy of any sort and I've found that there are several things that don't have all that stuff in them but contain a bunch of other crap that I can't pronounce. I need to be more vigilant in not exchanging 'good' foods with 'convenient' food. I'm a pretty good cook and I actually enjoy it so I just need to exercise more discipline so I don't head down a slippery slope.

My house has enough candy in it for 2 Halloweens. lol. I don't struggle too hard avoiding candy but there are chips here. I sure love crunchy chips. Did you know that Fritos have 3 ingredients? Corn, corn oil & salt.Empty calories, basically no nutritional value & yet I have let myself indulge. This is where I need to be more disciplined. It's not that big of a deal but some days are easier to keep on track than others.

Over the next couple of months of holidays I'm projecting that there will be some challenges. Obviously turkey isn't going to happen on Thanksgiving and that will be different so if any of you have cool recipes that you would like to share, I will be more than open to trying them out. I don't want to feel that sense of deprivation even though I can counter it with all the benefits that I'm receiving and the extended life I will get to live... in the moment where I'm smelling super tasty stuff and watching people eat, I could use something tasty for myself to make others jealous with :P

Okay... enough rambling from me. I really should be studying for a test but umm... no motivation! It's sure been hard maintaining any kind of interest in my classes with a new baby in the house and all the rabble rousing from the toddler. I'll make do, just gotta buckle down :]

Thank you to all my cheerleaders! You have been monumental in me staying the course. Seriously, you have no idea how your kind words have helped me pull through a challenging situation with good choices. I hope I'm making it worth your while :)

Short and Sweet

This is going to be short :0

All is well. Energy has been pretty low although better now than a few days ago.

I knew I was feeling tired and just chalked it up to having a newborn and toddler in the house but it quickly became an unnatural feeling. I don't ever remember feeling that exhausted. Thank goodness Dena did what librarians do best and spent a few minutes researching and ta-daaa... problem solved. I'm taking supplements of iron and B12 and just about back to normal.

The only real issue I'm having is my lack of motivation to do homework. ugh!

ok, that's all for now... told you it was gonna be short :P

Skinny, Plastic B's

I apologize for the blogging delay as we've had a baby :D

I have to admit that if ever there was a time to go back to eating convenient crap, this would be the time but nope... I'm in it to win it... well, actually "lose"... weight, points of the blood pressure, indigestion. I want to lose all sorts of bad stuff so I have maintained juicing and eating fruits and veggie's and in the last couple of days have incorporated some grains.

Eating vegan is not very convenient when you're in a time crunch but I'm starting to get a little more familiar with what is available and where so if we're out and about and I don't have enough stuff packed to nibble on, I can pick something up in a pinch.

Shopping for organic items and trying to familiarize myself with other vegan foods has been challenging and not just looking for the food items but dealing with the people. Orange County can be a bit frustrating when trying to do something good for yourself. The skinny, plastic bitches that shop in the stores give nasty, judgmental looks like, "what the hell is she doing here?" They want everyone that is unhealthy to be healthy but they don't want to see the process of getting there, just the finished product. They actually may not even want them to get healthy at all, then there would be more competition. lol. It's like fat people going to the gym... you're supposed to work out but not with the 'pretty' people.

Well, screw them. I'm nice and funny and they are miserable people that have dark souls. I'll bitch slap them with happiness. haha

So, as for the baby and the toddler... I was really hoping for more energy provided by nutritious eating but honestly, I'M EXHAUSTED!!

I personally don't think I have been consuming enough calories and that's causing a weight loss plateau and lack of energy. I'm going to make more of an effort to eat more frequently and of course, drink coffee and perhaps more importantly--- nap! lol

Alright... off to snuggle with one of the tiny people in the house :)