Glad You're ALIVE day

7 years and counting!

What may you ask does this mean? Well, if you didn't read last year's blog, "Glad You're Not Dead Day" (yeah, a little more depressing) I'll give you a quick breakdown...

Date:  Sunday, November 13, 2005
Time:  10:31am
Place: 7-11 Lynwood, Ca.
Situation:  Robbery

In the past 7 years of "recovering" I've had too many doctors to remember, too many visits to said doctors to count, pills, physical therapy, psychiatrists which led to more pills, psychologists, lawyers, therapists, group sessions which put me back in touch with the psychiatrist, surgery, pills, more physical therapy, chiropractors, new lawyers, even more physical therapy... a dry spell of no visits of any kind to any body... more doctors, psych, pills, pt... you get the point. It's been a bit of a battle.

I'm a bit of a mess emotionally (like you don't already know that, lol).
The physical pain is always there, inflammation, spasms, constant aching, popping of "fixed" broken parts and all the "good" parts being overextended since they're trying to compensate for the stuff that isn't working right (or at all)... that stuff is all a constant and I've learned how to deal with it for the most part.

My pain tolerance threshold is completely conditional on the work I do. If I clean the shower; which we all must do, I'm screwed the next day. Dishes, although a menial tedious task, puts my neck into an aching mess of inflammation and numbness-- irritating but workable. Two days ago I cleaned the house, vacuumed, dusted, bathroom, kitchen... the whole nine yards. Yesterday, I didn't do shit cuz movement was very limited.

Anxiety can cripple me at times to the point I'll refuse to leave the house.
Depression rears its ugly head and can manifest itself in a number of ways; a cold exterior where I shut down, a crying mess, a zombie-fied version of myself, an angry/pain-infused asshole, and/or a relentless session of cleaning which will only exacerbate the problems.

Through all of that there are countless blessings!

-I was forced to slow down, to really slowwww down. I could've taken a hint at something above a turtle's pace but the Universe has a way of getting its message across in extreme ways sometimes.
-I have had good friends along my path at just the right time. The time when I could see them, the time when I could hear their words.
-I learned just how strong I can be when it's necessary.
-I was able to really talk to my daughter. To really 'hear' her even though I might not have liked what she was saying. When I was lost in my work, I lost part of my baby girl and I was able to get that back. That is something I will never regret!
-I met Dena! Had I not been sitting at home on my ass, losing myself in the anonymity of the internet I would not have come across the most beautiful, inviting smile I had ever seen. I would not have gotten a small glimpse into her brilliant mind from a short blog she had written that had me captivated. I would not have been given the opportunity to meet the love of my life that I never thought existed. Without her, I just can't even imagine where I would be. We have shared so much pain together but the joy we share cannot be overshadowed.

You may ask why the song... What's the significance?
You know how when something in your life goes really bad or really great and you feel like a certain song or band is like the soundtrack?
In my life there have been 3 bands that have had that effect on me, really take me out of the shit I'm in and transcend the pain into immediate healing.
In chronological order:
1)The Dave Matthews Band
2)Blue October
3)One Republic

Blue October was the angst stifler of the time when Dena came along. Throughout some of the trials we have shared together and my insane mind not allowing rest, she has been the one thing that can bring my brain some quiet times, slow me down so I can really feel what is going on and move past the fear or whatever is strangling me at the time.
This song got me through many hours of anxiety, just knowing that someone- whether present or not- was there for me, someone loved me enough to see me through the 'crazy'.

She gives me a quiet mind and I love her. I love her so very much.

So. 7 years ago today my life was changed forever. At the time I didn't know the significance.
Every year as November approaches I wonder and worry how I'm going to react.
Today I didn't react.
Today I celebrated my life just as it is regardless of why it's that way.
Today I was able to count my blessings. Sometimes that's hard on this particular 'anniversary'
Today I realized that what has been taken away was returned with surplus.
Hopefully I'll feel the same way next year! hahahahaha!

I'm so glad to be alive!

Aurora--- not Borealis

Today's decision to order a "veggie lover's" pizza from Pizza Hut may have been the single most awesome decision I've made all week! It has a great balance of cheese to veggie's and I swear they bake the crust in butter. Greasy but with flavor. Yummy! Right now I'm loving this choice. I will continue to believe that this was a great decision right up until I pop the lid open on the Tums bottle... then I will -once again- remind myself why pizza is just not worth the indigestion.

Well, maybe it is. Let's evaluate.
-it is delicious
-it is convenient
-it will last for a couple of meals
-enjoying it has momentarily reminded me that there is love in the world

Okay, the last one is a bit extreme but honestly, I actually have small feelings of... hmm, what is that feeling?... happiness? Not quite to the happiness level but I can confidently say I'm feeling content.
Yes, feelings of contentment. That is a new feeling lately.

Breaking down the breakdown.
The 'situation' in Aurora, CO. realllllllly messed with my head! By situation, I mean shooting and by messed with my head, I mean; completely fucked me up!

After the initial reports I was numb. I went to the store (not a great idea). I bought every form of comfort food I've ever used for comfort. Oddly enough, pudding. Haven't eaten that in years but there were several in the cart and within a couple of days- all gone.
Typically my go-to comfort snacks are cookies. There are very few cookies that don't appeal to me. This particular day was met with those little circus animal cookies that have the pink and white frosting and all those sprinkles... and of course there were chocolate chip cookies as well. Both types of cookies tasted very good dipped in pudding. Tortilla chips also made their way home with me. Crunchy, salty and can be eaten with or without salsa. It was probably the worst shopping day I've had in years in terms of purchase choices.

I don't really know if I even realized that I was eating for a couple of days. After this indulgence passed, nothing sounded good. I had no appetite and eating wasn't on my list of things to do. I would eat when reminded or 'told' to. That has gone on until now-- thus, the pizza. I finally 'wanted' to eat, really craved something. Now granted, it's not good for me but it has veggies and it's not pudding.

When the junk food coma lifted and that's when the tears started to fall.
My heart was broken for all those families. The lives cut short.. The injured survivors. Those that came out physically intact but whose emotional health will be tested day in and day out probably for the rest of their lives.
My heart broke at the loss of innocence for future movie-goers. It's not likely that people will enter a theater without the thought crossing their mind of this situation.

This is where I got stuck.

Prior to this situation, most people took that innocence for granted. There was a time in my life where I did as well but after some tragic events and certainly after the robbery; there has always been a premeditated plan of action when moving about in public.

I am aware of exits, people, body language, conversations; I'm constantly processing my surroundings. I foresee actions that will require survival or escape. I have endless mind chatter with myself about the unlikeliness of that thought becoming reality but regardless, I think of all possible ways to avoid harm. Some would most likely call it paranoia and they may be right but it's just how I deal with the stress and anxiety.
It's exhausting.

Once again, I feel like I am emotionally quarantined to my house.
I had finally gotten comfortable enough with leaving the house alone, in the dark, that I could see a movie... not now. (and yes, I'm aware that Breaking Dawn pt. 2 is just a couple months away). I'm holding out hope that I'll be in a better place by then.

I don't know what to do in order to live without constant fear.
Harder than awareness of fear, is the lack of awareness of depression.
It's so sneaky.
By the time I realize that my senses are dulled; my mind is already in a free-fall to darkness.

Have I stopped falling? I think so.
Can I see joy? Yes.
I think that's a good indication that it isn't as bad this time as it has been in the past.
Being aware of my fear, knowing where my comfort zone lies, pushing just a teensy bit past that line will allow the veil of depression to reveal a lighter shade of gray.
Each smile that my kids share, each meaningful hug or kiss, each risk taken, gives me glimpses of the vibrancy that is waiting to be free.

In the meantime... I'm enjoying this pizza :P

Is it 7 or 8?

I want to say it's been 8 days of juicing since I started last Thursday. I personally think I should get to start counting on that day but technically I guess the first day isn't actually part of the tally. Who made up that rule- it's the same with paydays. Ugh.

What does it matter? It's just a day. Well, I'll tell you... it's 24 hours of my life in which I'm constantly bargaining with myself to hold out for another hour, just make it to noon, just make it to dinner. I win the fight but the battle continues. My mind just won't shut up.

I have lost some more weight, that's a good thing. I am having an unusual amount of aching and although that seems like a bad thing; everything I've read says that it's toxins leaving my system. Guess I've just gotta suck it up and be tough.

I keep telling myself, "the health benefits are worth it- just hang in there for a little longer. If you feel this obsessed at dinner time than go ahead and eat some veggies". When dinner time rolls around I say, "you've made it this far- you can make it a little longer, just hold out to breakfast". You get the idea, constantly offering myself rewards that I don't have any intention of making good on. lol.

All of my 'rewards' consist of my favorite snacks- things like edamame or better yet, POPCORN!! I want it so bad, and not just any ole popcorn. I want to go to the movies and have their popcorn. Crunch on it mindlessly while my brains take a break and I'm able to lose myself in Hollywood's idea of life.

Random note:  The last few nights I have had the strangest dream about cheeseburgers! A "5 Guys" cheeseburger to be exact. Crammed with jalapenos and a swipe of mayo, oh, and cajun fries on the side.
Now, I haven't eaten a cheeseburger since before last September when I started my first Reboot. In fact, the only meat I've eaten is about 4 bites of chicken and ugh... just not worth it!
So you see that the cheeseburger dream is disturbing. It leaves me wondering how my stomach would do. I'm guessing Tums would be my friend for the night. haha

Alright, I've rambled enough and it's all fairly senseless so I'll let you all get back to your lives :P

Fast or Feast

 Depending on who you talk to it's a "juice fast" or a "juice feast"
For my mind's sake, I think I'll try to keep telling myself its a feast. Fasting reminds me of something my mother made me do with her as a kid. No fun!

Hello my friends! I'm back... Miss me? :P

So, my last post was quite awhile ago, eeks.
Quick refresher... I was obsessed with eggs and also mentioned how decision making is not my strong suit. Turns out that last part is directly affected by  my internal communication and I can talk myself into doing anything regardless of how stupid it might be :P
Take for instance eggs. I was well aware that eggs would be a slippery slope and open up my incessant internal chatter to constant bargaining. I'll allow eggs... hmm... cheese will be fine...

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Eggs and dairy... ummm, they led to cookies!! haha! I knew it would happen, I totally let it happen and yes, during the cookie eating season also known as Christmas, New Years, President's Day, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's... I gained back 10 pounds. booo!

I started doing a little juicing again this month and cut out a bunch of crap that has sneakily made its way back into my diet. With those small changes I was able to take off the "holiday" 10 but have come to a bit of a stalemate with weight loss and to be honest- motivation. I have a million reasons to be health conscious but it only takes a teensy little suggestion and cheese makes its way past my teeth even though I know I'm going to get that sluggish, heavy feeling. Why the heck do I do this to myself? Ugh, age old question.

Anyway, I've been considering the reboot thing again and am taking the plunge. It's just so much more difficult to juice with two munchkins but I'm doing it-- and when I say I'm doing it, I mean... reeeeeallllyyyyy doing it!
Juicing for as long as I can stand it. Looking at the statistics from my previous experience 3 days was hell but I managed to make it 5 - kicking and screaming the whole time. I'm going to challenge myself to beat 5 days and I will allow carrots and celery here and there when my teeth start driving me nuts because of the lack of gnawing.

To break it down, everything will be in juice form as long as I can hold out. We'll be heading to Washington at the end of May so my goal is to juice until the day we leave. I'll have to make other arrangements at that point because running my juicer while driving is just not safe :P
Between now and then there is Mother's Day and we'll be in Palm Springs so that should be interesting with my new juicing challenge. I might have to eat raw that weekend, we'll see.

Ok, I'm off to make a new playlist-- an anthem of sorts to help me get through the rough moments. I have a feeling it'll be an angsty mix!