7 years and counting!
What may you ask does this mean? Well, if you didn't read last year's blog, "Glad You're Not Dead Day" (yeah, a little more depressing) I'll give you a quick breakdown...
Date: Sunday, November 13, 2005
Place: 7-11 Lynwood, Ca.
In the past 7 years of "recovering" I've had too many doctors to remember, too many visits to said doctors to count, pills, physical therapy, psychiatrists which led to more pills, psychologists, lawyers, therapists, group sessions which put me back in touch with the psychiatrist, surgery, pills, more physical therapy, chiropractors, new lawyers, even more physical therapy... a dry spell of no visits of any kind to any body... more doctors, psych, pills, pt... you get the point. It's been a bit of a battle.
I'm a bit of a mess emotionally (like you don't already know that, lol).
The physical pain is always there, inflammation, spasms, constant aching, popping of "fixed" broken parts and all the "good" parts being overextended since they're trying to compensate for the stuff that isn't working right (or at all)... that stuff is all a constant and I've learned how to deal with it for the most part.
My pain tolerance threshold is completely conditional on the work I do. If I clean the shower; which we all must do, I'm screwed the next day. Dishes, although a menial tedious task, puts my neck into an aching mess of inflammation and numbness-- irritating but workable. Two days ago I cleaned the house, vacuumed, dusted, bathroom, kitchen... the whole nine yards. Yesterday, I didn't do shit cuz movement was very limited.
Anxiety can cripple me at times to the point I'll refuse to leave the house.
Depression rears its ugly head and can manifest itself in a number of ways; a cold exterior where I shut down, a crying mess, a zombie-fied version of myself, an angry/pain-infused asshole, and/or a relentless session of cleaning which will only exacerbate the problems.
Through all of that there are countless blessings!
-I was forced to slow down, to really slowwww down. I could've taken a hint at something above a turtle's pace but the Universe has a way of getting its message across in extreme ways sometimes.
-I have had good friends along my path at just the right time. The time when I could see them, the time when I could hear their words.
-I learned just how strong I can be when it's necessary.
-I was able to really talk to my daughter. To really 'hear' her even though I might not have liked what she was saying. When I was lost in my work, I lost part of my baby girl and I was able to get that back. That is something I will never regret!
-I met Dena! Had I not been sitting at home on my ass, losing myself in the anonymity of the internet I would not have come across the most beautiful, inviting smile I had ever seen. I would not have gotten a small glimpse into her brilliant mind from a short blog she had written that had me captivated. I would not have been given the opportunity to meet the love of my life that I never thought existed. Without her, I just can't even imagine where I would be. We have shared so much pain together but the joy we share cannot be overshadowed.
You may ask why the song... What's the significance?
You know how when something in your life goes really bad or really great and you feel like a certain song or band is like the soundtrack?
In my life there have been 3 bands that have had that effect on me, really take me out of the shit I'm in and transcend the pain into immediate healing.
In chronological order:
1)The Dave Matthews Band
Blue October was the angst stifler of the time when Dena came along. Throughout some of the trials we have shared together and my insane mind not allowing rest, she has been the one thing that can bring my brain some quiet times, slow me down so I can really feel what is going on and move past the fear or whatever is strangling me at the time.
This song got me through many hours of anxiety, just knowing that someone- whether present or not- was there for me, someone loved me enough to see me through the 'crazy'.
She gives me a quiet mind and I love her. I love her so very much.
So. 7 years ago today my life was changed forever. At the time I didn't know the significance.
Every year as November approaches I wonder and worry how I'm going to react.
Today I didn't react.
Today I celebrated my life just as it is regardless of why it's that way.
Today I was able to count my blessings. Sometimes that's hard on this particular 'anniversary'
Today I realized that what has been taken away was returned with surplus.
Hopefully I'll feel the same way next year! hahahahaha!
I'm so glad to be alive!