Sunday, November 13, 2011

Glad you're not dead day

Today is the six year anniversary of the "big" robbery at work that I was injured in. I was violently beaten and left with a broken shoulder, jacked up knee, neck and back... not to mention the psychological aspects of such a crime.

So... I always try to predict how I'm going to feel about this day. I visualize gratitude, laughter, and strength. I don't remember how I handled previous years, it's like this is the first one... again.
Don't get me wrong... I am grateful-- more than can possibly be expressed. I am very blessed!

I have--
--a beautiful, kind, generous & supportive partner
--a daughter that has become such a wonderful human being that any mom would be super proud
--an amazing little boy and girl that bring me joy daily
--a home, income and all basic necessities
I have all that and so much more. I have more than many people. I am loved. I am grateful.

I'm also sad.
There's just no understanding the emotions I'm feeling right now. A blend of just about everything and that's pretty overwhelming.
I'm indecisive.
Part of me wants to celebrate life. Go out and do something fun to prove to myself that I'm alive for a reason and that I'm making the most of my survival.
Part of me wants to stay inside and wait for the day to end. It's like I'm afraid to push my luck because maybe the next situation will be the last.
Pretty irrational I know but it's how my mind is working.

When I visualized my reaction to how the day would go this year, I had not planned on crying while cleaning counters... cleaning counters- yes... crying while doing it- not so much.
Cleaning has always been a good outlet for me when stressed, kind of like a way to work myself away from depression.
That isn't working for me this time. It's like I just can't get up the gumption to push myself. Kinda lost the depression battle this hour. Hopefully I'll catch up and take the lead in the next couple of hours.

Sometimes I wish I could remember what I did the last time and if it was successful so I could either avoid it or repeat the process. Weird how my mind works and has this insane ability to just throw stuff in a folder, lock it in a cabinet and never be seen by the light of day again... or until it's absolutely the most inappropriate time to remember something.

Alright... that's enough whining for now. I mean seriously, I'm alive. I have a pretty awesome life. I'll go put on some One Republic, hop in the shower and let the music heal me a little bit. Maybe I'll shed some more tears for whatever reason they are there and just take the day minute by minute.

To my family... I love you! If I didn't have you all, your love and support, I can't say that this would be a day worth getting out of bed for. Thank you!!
(sorry to end a sentence with 'for'- I know that's against English rules. lol)

To my friends... a big thank you to you all. The small and large reminders that other's care about lil ole me softens my heart.

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